Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
You Might Also Like
A friend helps you before you need it
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Well, shit
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates