HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
they split up moments later
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”