[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
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This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
beware of dog
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room