My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.