I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
is this how new cars are made??
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda