Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person