Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
You Might Also Like
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?