Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Worst bar ever.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Oh. My. God.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon