Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
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Perfect.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*bites zombie*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn