Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Well. That’s not a good sign.