me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.