Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds