My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
hi why am I like this
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.