So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
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i want to work in this restaurant
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Sounds like a bargain
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker