I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no