Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
ibopfufen
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.