*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
and this one
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well