Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
You Might Also Like
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
rapatouille
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”