idk flipping houses looks really hard
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.