Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
This is not my fort茅. It’s not even my threet茅 if I’m being honest.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
What鈥檚 the worst that could happen? Tried my lady鈥檚 body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that鈥檚 how I ended up 37 feet tall
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 馃檨
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
When serial killers can鈥檛 afford to travel, they take slaycations
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
It鈥檇 be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.