Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
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DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.