good morning
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Mountain Goat : )
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.