One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Breaking news:
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.