My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
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Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Looking at you, Jesus.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”