channeling her this year
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My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try