Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.