They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
You Might Also Like
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My life in a nutshell
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.