I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
when you order from DoorDastardly
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.