The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
this is the news I live for
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.