Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?