if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge