Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.