Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.