i will not be silenced
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
What personal space?
My dog
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.