Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
How about daylight saves us for once
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I need this for my side hustle.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
i hope my email finds you on fire