Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*