ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
#merica
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING