[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though