I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’d rather fork than spoon.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Super Hand Dog Face
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My whole life was a lie.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche