My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
How do you milk an almond?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.