I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
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imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
This is the best one I’ve seen
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..