If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
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My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?