If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
thanksgiving should be called feaster
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?