Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
A small tragedy.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician