Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.