Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
You Might Also Like
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.