Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Pot warmers of the day.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.