You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
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“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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