The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
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#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
One venti cheeseburger please.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]