And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails